What it's like to have a parent with a severe mental illness
I spent most of my first 24 years being extremely angry and resentful of my mother. She basically bailed when I was 4 because she lost custody of me. She has mental illnesses. She was ordered to get mental help or lose custody and unfortunately chose to lose custody. She didn't think she needed any help. Of course she didn't. This only made me more angry. I thought to myself, "Even if I didn't think I needed help, I would do whatever it took to get my kids."
This anger was only made worse by my own dad saying over and over again, "It isn't her fault. She can't help it." Sure, says the man who never stopped loving her, but what about my feelings? Why is it my problem? Why do I get robbed of a mother? I couldn't see his pain through my selfish feelings at the time. She left both of us, but it felt like she just left me and he was defending her. I had a lot of growing up to do, but these were normal feelings for my age.
Then, at 24, I was given the chance to be a mom for the first time. My feelings changed, well some of them at least. As a mother, I understood some of her actions. Then again, some of them were even more puzzling to me having been in her motherly shoes. Either way, I was a lot more forgiving about most of it. Somehow, my oldest daughter healed me in a way that I never thought possible and I begin to let go.
I started to welcome the idea of building a relationship with her. There is something about becoming a mother that makes you want your mother in your life I think. At least for me anyway.
So we started talking, mostly by texts and emails. Things were going along well until one day she noticed that my stepmom was my friend on Facebook. Two decades ago these women hated each other. You'd think that time would heal the wounds, but apparently not. My mom flipped out on me. And I mean, threw a better tantrum than my two year old could dream of.
Then, just like that, she was gone. Refused to speak to me, didn't answer a single text, and could not have a reasonable conversation about the issue. I thought to myself, well, it was nice while it lasted I guess.
Maybe a year or so later, she randomly texts me. Not a "Hello. How are you?" or anything like that, but a story about some girl that lived next to her. Wait, what?! You stop speaking to your daughter over a friend on Facebook and then a year later just randomly strike up a conversation as if we had never left off?
I was mad again. How in the world does she expect me to forgive her when she pulls this crap?! She left me! She should be working her hardest to win me back, not acting like she's the victim!!
But I gave her another chance. At the end of the day, she is my mom.
And we were on our way to rebuilding our relationship again....until the next petty thing that she stopped talking to me over. I don't even remember what that one was about. No doubt I said something she disagreed with and so she stormed off never to speak to me again. Then, a few months later, she would send a picture of a cat she adopted or tell me about a new job. Every time she "reached out" to me after her long hiatus of anger over something silly, she would always act like we had just talked the day before.
It was frustrating. I wanted to scream at her many time, "GET OVER YOURSELF! NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T END RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I TOOK FIVE EXTRA MINUTES TO TEXT YOU BACK!!!!"
But I didn't say that because I realized somewhere along the way that she isn't normal....not that any of us are anyway. She isn't playing the same game we are though. She wasn't dealt the same cards. This isn't to say she isn't intelligent. The woman tests off the chart on intelligence tests. She's a certified genius, but she wasn't given the same logic or emotion or even social skills that mainstream people have.
She's in her own little land and it is definitely not her fault. She doesn't get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for every action she does, but she gets a pass for some things....and deserves some compassion and understanding.
And once I realized that she can't help it as much, I started to just accept her as she was. She might stop talking to me for two years because I simply disagree that all my dates need to be background checked before I date them, but she'll come back eventually. She might "disown" me because I tell her that the government is not following her around the country, but she doesn't mean it.
Is it fair that I have to deal with this? No. Are there worst things that I could deal with? Yes.
My five year old absolutely has more logic than my mom most days, but the truth is that the world does not end because your parent has severe mental illnesses....it just sucks more some days.
