Two Cent Tuesday; Over the Line

 Over the Line...

I'm don't follow conspiracy theories. I'm not anti-government, nor do I think they are trying to control people. I rarely feel that my liberties or rights are being taken away. I don't get worked up very often. The only reason I would ever consider home school is because it might mean that I can sleep in later.

However, recent things have made me change my mind a bit...

I went to my daughter's school open house about a month ago, which was a waste of my time for multiple reasons. But I did learn something that ticked me off more than a little....

In the presentation that the principle gave, the parents were told that if anyone wanted to take their children on an extended vacation, they would need to clear it with the principal FIRST. As in, you have to ask some guy you barely know if you can do something with your children. As in, you need permission to make decisions for YOUR child. Wow. I am an adult. I gave birth to my children and then got up with them every single night for what seemed like decades. I potty trained and I dealt with all the meltdowns and moments in which I thought I might committ child abuse if it lasted any longer. I raised my daughter and raised her pretty well so far and now I need permission from a man who doesn't even know my daughter's name if I can do something with her? The only person I need permission from is....well no one. She's mine. I do well.

I smirked and looked at husband, "What happens if we don't ask first or just go if he says no?"

I dont have any intentions of taking my daughter on any extended vacations so though this irritated me immensely, I didn't dwell on it too long. It doesn't affect me...at least as my plans are right now. We don't even have the money to take a one day vacation, let alone an extended one. So for me, right now, no harm no foul even though I think it's BS.

But then, something else did affect me directly. My daughter went to her dad's this weekend. He doesn't live too far away, but it's an all day affair meeting halfway and coming back home. Instead of taking her there Friday, letting her spend one day, and then getting her back Sunday, we decided that it would probably be okay to miss Monday. If there were any long vacations anytime soon, I would have waited but there weren't. She would have to wait until late November. I dont like missing school, but her dad is kind of important and considering she is in KINDERGARTEN, we thought the rare occasion would be okay.

I meant to send a note with her on Friday letting the school know, but I forgot. Friday was a crazy day. So maybe I dropped the ball there. Years ago, if you were absent, they might have called home to inform your parents but usually they just waited until you came back and brought a note. I actually called my gram and asked what she did when I was home sick or something. "I just sent a note to school the day you went back. I never called or sent a note before hand." Okay, so no worries right? I'll just send a note Tuesday. Wrong.

The school called Monday morning. I saw the number on caller ID and expected them to say that she was absent and it would be unexcused until I sent a note. INSTEAD, the office lady says, "This is *insert office lady's name* and I was calling to see WHY Savannah is not here."

EXCUSE ME?!!!! It isn't your business why she isn't there for ONE DAY. I can understand if it had been a week. I can understand asking if it was excused or not. I can understand if she had worded it just a little bit, but she just straight up asked WHY...as if I need to answer to her....as if I'm a little kid....as if she is the one in charge of MY daughter. I know she was doing her job so I'm not irritated at her personally. I also understand that there are probably reasons why the schools became like this, but that's not my problem. I am a good mom. I take school seriously. In the end, one day here and there will NEVER break anything. I missed 60% of my senior year and graduated in the tenth percent....not that I'm advocating that or anything. I lived on my own and frankly was not a very good parent to myself. Cest la vie.

My husband thinks I'm making a big deal of nothing, which is extremely weird because he is the conspiracy theory lover, anti-government, believer that we're losing our rights, etc. He is the one who makes big deals of things I think are silly. So maybe I am making a big deal of nothing, but it's the point to me. It's the point that I have worked very hard and done a very good job of raising my kids and now I feel like a babysitter who has to ask the school's permission and answer to them about my decisions. My daughter has officially been in school for a month and already I have two examples of feeling like my parenting decisions are not my decisions anymore. I need to ask if it's okay to take my daughter on vacation and I need to answer to someone who doesn't know my daughter why she isn't at school.

I just think this goes over the line and for the first time in my life, the thought of home school doesn't seem sooooo far out now. If things get worse and I feel like I am not in control anymore, it just might happen. I am the parent. I make decisions. I shouldnt get treated like a shit mom until the day I become a shit mom. Until then, I should get treated like a mature and responsible mom who makes good decisions.

Does Anyone Admit That?

I went in for a check-up awhile ago. The doctor went through all the average questions; do you smoke, drink, drugs, etc. Then he asked something that I have been asked before at the doctor but had never really thought much of, "Is there any abuse in the home?"

It wasn't the first time a doctor asked that, but usually I just answer no quickly and move along. Thankfully, I have been lucky enough to have never been in the position to say yes. In that appointment, for whatever reason, the question stuck with me. I wondered to myself if I would admit it if I was in that situation. I asked the doctor (because I am such a curious person), "Do people ever say yes to that question?" I assumed that women (and men occasionally) wouldn't admit it to a doctor. I understand that domestic violence is a very complicated and deep issue in which people only admit and accept help when THEY are ready....not at some random doctor's appointment. Especially considering how short our appointments generally seem to be these days. In and out, right?

To my surprise and DELIGHT, the doctor said that he has many women confess and he starts the process of getting them help immediately. Many...as in women commonly are admitting it, which is the first step as everyone knows.

I cannot describe how happy I was to hear that. Sure, I have never experienced it personally, but I've seen it happen. I've seen friends say, "I know it looks like domestic violence, but it's not. He isn't abusive." They were the classic textbook example of a battered woman. To hear that women are admitting to themselves and their doctor is amazing. It makes me proud for each and every single woman who takes that first step to help themselves. I can only imagine how hard it is....

Lastly, I would like to thank each and every doctor who asks this to every patient, even if it's just out of requirement. What a wonderful place to catch and attempt to intervene. The doctor that I talked to said that often women come to the doctor alone, either for the children or for themselves. Abusive and controlling men do not let them go very many places alone, but the doctor is one place where they feel the woman is okay doing by themselves. The doctor also said that sometimes a man will come along, but that it becomes very clear when questions are asked, even if the woman says no. The doctor can then formulate a plan to get the woman without the man to start helping the entire family.

I'm so proud of this procedure. It once seemed like a tedious question to answer on top of a thousand other questions, but now I see. Now I see that it is worth the time for me to say no because countless women might be helped by it.

So to anyone who is trying to find the right place to seek help for abuse, this is a great opportunity. Go for a "routine" appointment and you will find yourself in helping hands.

Two Cents Tuesday; Teaching

 



You Teach People How To Treat You I heard this a short time after yet another failed relationship. I was in the midst of my poor me, “why can’t I find a guy who treats me like a princess?”, state of mind. Hearing that statement was a hard pill to swallow. I have been teaching these guys how to treat me? This can’t be right. I always treat my boyfriends well, do everything for them, and never cause waves by getting mad about little things.

It was only after a few weeks and some clarity that I realized the statement was 100% true. I had been teaching my boyfriends how to treat me. I had taught them that they could do whatever they wanted and I wouldn’t say anything. If they ditched me at the last moment, I wouldn’t say anything. “It’s okay honey, I don’t mind.” The truth was that I did mind. I minded a lot. I just didn’t want to be “that” girlfriend. You know, the girlfriend who stands up for herself if her boyfriend disrespects her. In my mind, I was keeping the relationship smooth. In reality, I was teaching my boyfriends that they could walk all over me and I wouldn’t stand up for myself.

You teach people how to treat you, especially in relationships. This is very hard to accept as it puts some blame on us for others’ behavior. Have you heard the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”? This pretty much puts this whole idea of teaching people how to treat you in context.

Say you are in a relationship with a man who cheats. You found out about it the first time and took him back. You taught him that you will take him back when he does that. In my case, it was turning a blind eye to cheating. So my boyfriends (yes, it happened a lot), would think I didn’t catch on and keep doing it. I taught them that they could get away with it. Had I ended the relationships when I first saw the obvious signs, it would have saved me from heartache.

But I didn’t want to be “that” girl. That girl doesn’t get cheated on more than once. That girl also may be called a b*tch, but she gets what she wants. She doesn’t put up with any crap that some of us do just to avoid rocking the boat. That girl finds a man who respects her and treats her like a princess because she is too b*tchy to put up with less. No one disrespects THAT girl after they meet her.

After I accepted the idea that I am responsible for how people treat me, I started to put it into action in my life. I found a man that knows I will not allow any cheating, lying, ignoring, or any other behavior that I once allowed. He treats me like a princess….because I taught him that I wouldn’t accept any less. I also married that man and I continue to teach him daily how to treat me. I no longer worry about “rocking the boat”. I don’t have the energy to be the nice girl anymore. I deserve better.

YOU teach people how to treat you. YOU can either allow them to walk on you, or demand respect. It's your choice.

 

That's my two cents anyway....

Two Cent Tuesday; Someone Else...

 

Someone Else Out There Has It Worse

 

 

When I was five months pregnant with my oldest daughter, her dad more or less kicked me out on the streets. His words were, “I think you need to find another place to live. I’m still in love with my ex.” I was devastated and lost and hopeless to say the least. I lost my love, my support system, and my daughter’s father all at the same time in an instant. I spent many nights asking why and crying until there were no tears left.

Then one day I thought to myself, why are you so depressed? There are people who have it much worse than you! I felt selfish for feeling so sorry for myself when I knew someone out there wished that all they had to deal with was being a single mom.

That lady who’s husband died while she was pregnant probably just wishes he was alive period.

That lady who can’t get pregnant? I bet she wouldn’t mind being a single mom if it meant she got a baby.

That lady who has had three miscarriages? I bet she thinks her pain is worse than not being able to get pregnant because she was so close.

That lady who found out that her child will forever be severely disabled and who was urged to abort? I bet she thinks her life is worse because she has to make that choice.

That lady who kept her severely disabled child only to watch him breathe one breath and then die in her arms? I bet she thinks her pain is worse because he died in her arms.

That lady who just found out her baby was molested? I bet she hates herself for not being able to protect him.

That lady who just found out that her baby was molested by her husband? I bet she thinks her pain is the worst because it was done by the man she trusted most.

That lady who’s husband molested her baby and then killed him?

Well I think you get the point. There will ALWAYS be someone worse off. No matter what. Someone will always have bigger struggles or more pain and anguish than you.

HOWEVER, do not for one moment think that means in anyway that you are not entitled to feel your pain.
Because someone else has it worse than you does not negate your heartache. Because someone else has it worse, does not mean your heart doesn’t hurt as well. You still get to feel your pain. You still get to grieve. It is still your struggle and your pain and your heartache. Yes, it could be worse. But at that moment in time, it is YOUR worst pain and no one gets to take that away.

No one gets to trivialize your battles and struggles….because they are not trivial to you.  And remember, everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about.



That's my two-cents,
Christy

Two-Cents Tuesday will be a new weekly column written by founder Christy, mother of two, and author of www.worstmotheroftheyear.com