Thoughts For Thursday; It Could Happen To You

 

"How could she just let him beat her?"
"Why wouldn't she just leave?"
"Who would put up with that?"

Some of us have asked those questions about friends or acquaintences that we assume or know are the victims of domestic violence. The answers seem all so simple. Just go. Better yet, don't get into that position in the first place right?

If you've never been in that position or at the very least watched a loved one go through it, you think it's an easy solution. If they left, it would just be over. If they never got with anyone like that, it wouldn't be an issue. If women would just stop loving abusive men, abusive men would have no one to abuse.

Domestic violence is so much more complicated than that.

I got a call late at night from a friend. She was at the E.R. She needed a ride home. She couldn't drive. Of course I got up immediately and went to get her. When I walked in, I wanted to cry. She looked horrible. She appeared to have been beaten almost to death. The nurses were offering her pamphlets on domestic violence information and help. She refused their assistance. "I know how it looks. I look like the classic domestic violence victim, but I'm not. I swear. It was a fight that got out of hand because of alcohol. We were both guilty. It was dumb. But I'm not battered. I'm sure they all say that, but I'm not." She was right, that is exactly what all victims say. She was one of them.

This was eye opening for me. I was witnessing probably the strongest person I had ever met allow someone to do this to her, even make excuses for him and blame herself. She wouldn't allow anyone to look at her with disrespect and here she was....a victim of domestic violence who was clearly not going to put an end to it today.

Domestic violence is a deep, complex, and heartbreaking scenario that happens all over the world to some of the most strong women out there. It isn't that they are weak, it's that they have been beaten down long before most even knew anything was going on.

Abusers do not just hit on the first date. They wait until their is attachment built. They wait until the stakes are higher. Sure, there may be signs but abusers are often very charismatic so that the signs are ignored. The first instance of abuse is followed by profuse apologies, a million "I can't live without you's" and promises that it WILL NEVER happen again. But it does. It always does. And when it's forgiven, they know they have you. They can play with your mind. Then fear gets thrown in. If kids are attached to the relationships, they are added to the threats. And so it goes, a never ending nightmare for women until they finally realize they need help and find the strength to get it.

Women who fall victim to domestic violence are not weak or stupid or needy or anything else that we may sometimes assume. It can happen to anyone. It could even happen to you. Before you say no it wouldn't, think back to yourself at all the relationships in which you allowed more than you were comfortable with to go on because you really liked the man or even loved him. We've all been there. We could all be there. All we can do for our loved ones is offer support and love and make sure they know you are there when they want out.

Thought's for Thursday - Your prospective

Ever have one of those days where you just want to throw your hands up in the air and scream at the sky? You know the kind of day where you can just barely hold up that white flag you are trying so desperately to wave... That type of day where you question, "What else can go wrong?" and life replies back with "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" One of those type days where if you even manage to grunt and groan like a caveman, then you feel like it is a real accomplishment.. Ugh! Sigh!

Well today... TODAY... Is NOT one of those days. I don't care how many times you've lost your keys, tripped over those pesky shoe strings, forgotten something important, gotten bad news or even worse...

Right now... YES! NOW! Bend over, grab those boot straps and pull them up, because let me tell you something... Absolutely nothing, or no one can ruin your day without YOUR permission! Smile sunshine, because you are ALIVE (at least I should hope so, considering you are reading this - However if you are one of those creepy undead zombie folks, please feel free to skip this entry)

OK, I will give you a little time for whining, but only just a little.. Yup, it stinks when you loose your keys and have to spend an extra 30 minutes looking for them thus throwing off your entire day, and making you super late for that super important meeting/appointment.
 Yes, it super sucks when you drive all the way to the store with a cranky misbehaving toddler (or teenager) and end up forgetting that amazingly important thing that you made the whole painful trip for anyway. And, alright it does suck when that one phone call you've been waiting for finally comes, and it is nothing but bad news... UGH!!! Couldn't you just SCREAM!

Thing is.... It's all about prospective... Yup, that big long word can change a lot of things, including turning your white flag day, into a dance in the rain type of day...

While you are whining about the lost keys, and that important meeting you are going to be so late for, think about this, maybe just maybe those keys were misplaced so you would indeed be running late, and miss that three car pile up on your way to your meeting... Or better yet, give a brief thought to the ones who are left walking in the cold and the heat, because they are not fortunate enough to have vehicles and therefore do not have the blessing of looking for the lost keys..

While you are crying about making that trip to the store with the cranky toddler (and/or teenager) think of all those people with no cranky toddlers or moody teenagers.... OK, so maybe not the best comparison (but I bet it made you smile) No, in all seriousness, think of those who will unfortunately go hungry tonight, and are not able to make that trip to the store in order to purchase that things that they are in need of.

While you are grumbling and complaining about the bad news you just received, remember that a door is never closed without an open window, so STOP COMPLAINING already and get to looking for that dang window!!!!

You see, your mood, your day... Well sunshine it is dependent on you and you alone... You have to look at things with a different prospective, see that silver lining in those dark rain clouds, no... It isn't always easy, but if you want to get to the rainbow, sometimes you have to face a little rain...

So you still holding that white flag, or do you want to come dance in the rain with me??

Thoughts for Thursday ~ Toxicity



If we are honest we must admit that we all do it. We may not want to do it, and we strive not to but from time to time we carry around anger. We are angry because someone cut in line at the bank when we were already waiting an hour. We are angry because someone hurt us. We are angry because... Well, frankly life just isn't fair.  And, it is ok to be angry. After all anger is a perfectly acceptable human emotion. There is no need to feel shame over our anger. However, it is important when we realize when our anger is turning toxic.

Overtime anger can grow and quickly turn into something far less harmless. Anger can become a toxic monster draining us of happiness, and robbing us of so much. This is why we must learn to let go of anger. We must realize that being angry hurts no one but ourselves. The woman who cut in front of you in line at the bank does not care that you are angry. She is busy going about her day and likely doesn't even know that she disrupted yours.

Those people who hurt you, or perhaps weren't there when you needed them most, are going on with their lives.  Your anger is not stopping them from enjoying their life. It is however stopping you from enjoying yours. You are not punishing them, and the only one who feels badly is you.

Yes, it is hard to let go of anger, especially when no apology was ever offered. Perhaps you feel that if the offender would simply offer a sincere apology you could go on with your life. However, while you are busy holding on to anger, and waiting for an apology which may never come, you are becoming toxic. People around you may become more distant and soon you may realize that you just aren't the person you once were.

Don't let your anger make fill you with toxicity. While it may be one of the hardest things you have ever done. You must learn to accept an apology that was never offered. You must learn to forgive, and in the process you will learn to let go of the anger. Trust me, you will be a much happier person, and have a much happier life when anger is no longer a factor, and you are free from toxicity.

Thoughts for Thursday is a weekly column written by founder Kimbra

mother of 4 and author of Mommy's Rambles