Thoughts For Thursday; It Could Happen To You

 

"How could she just let him beat her?"
"Why wouldn't she just leave?"
"Who would put up with that?"

Some of us have asked those questions about friends or acquaintences that we assume or know are the victims of domestic violence. The answers seem all so simple. Just go. Better yet, don't get into that position in the first place right?

If you've never been in that position or at the very least watched a loved one go through it, you think it's an easy solution. If they left, it would just be over. If they never got with anyone like that, it wouldn't be an issue. If women would just stop loving abusive men, abusive men would have no one to abuse.

Domestic violence is so much more complicated than that.

I got a call late at night from a friend. She was at the E.R. She needed a ride home. She couldn't drive. Of course I got up immediately and went to get her. When I walked in, I wanted to cry. She looked horrible. She appeared to have been beaten almost to death. The nurses were offering her pamphlets on domestic violence information and help. She refused their assistance. "I know how it looks. I look like the classic domestic violence victim, but I'm not. I swear. It was a fight that got out of hand because of alcohol. We were both guilty. It was dumb. But I'm not battered. I'm sure they all say that, but I'm not." She was right, that is exactly what all victims say. She was one of them.

This was eye opening for me. I was witnessing probably the strongest person I had ever met allow someone to do this to her, even make excuses for him and blame herself. She wouldn't allow anyone to look at her with disrespect and here she was....a victim of domestic violence who was clearly not going to put an end to it today.

Domestic violence is a deep, complex, and heartbreaking scenario that happens all over the world to some of the most strong women out there. It isn't that they are weak, it's that they have been beaten down long before most even knew anything was going on.

Abusers do not just hit on the first date. They wait until their is attachment built. They wait until the stakes are higher. Sure, there may be signs but abusers are often very charismatic so that the signs are ignored. The first instance of abuse is followed by profuse apologies, a million "I can't live without you's" and promises that it WILL NEVER happen again. But it does. It always does. And when it's forgiven, they know they have you. They can play with your mind. Then fear gets thrown in. If kids are attached to the relationships, they are added to the threats. And so it goes, a never ending nightmare for women until they finally realize they need help and find the strength to get it.

Women who fall victim to domestic violence are not weak or stupid or needy or anything else that we may sometimes assume. It can happen to anyone. It could even happen to you. Before you say no it wouldn't, think back to yourself at all the relationships in which you allowed more than you were comfortable with to go on because you really liked the man or even loved him. We've all been there. We could all be there. All we can do for our loved ones is offer support and love and make sure they know you are there when they want out.